"be still and know that I'm with you"

Be still. I keep telling myself to be still. Tomorrow marks 3 weeks since my Memaw left this world to be with my Pepaw and Jesus. I still feel like I should be going to her house in the morning and making her breakfast. Cleaning her house. Doing her laundry. When you do such things nearly everyday for 4 years, it becomes a difficult task for your brain and body to learn, you don't need to do that anymore. I look at her picture next to her obituary, that My sister and I helped my aunt with, and it still doesn't seem real. Have you ever planned a funeral? I hadn't ever. I sat with the funeral director, made the slide show, helped to pick out music for my Memaw's service.IT still doesn't seem real. But I feel the absence of her presence. That is very real. I am coping. MY house is always clean, I obsessively lean. Our laundry is always done and put away. I reluctantly go to work and secretly pray every night, that that I don't get sent to work to the 10th floor. That's where we lost Memaw. I am not sure I will be able to step foot on that floor again,not for a while at least. Im not sure what amount of time will be enough. I'm strong, I've been strong for my boys, my family. But I am just not strong enough to step back into the room where we lost her. The floor that we spent way too much time on....THis is the downside to having Memaw as a patient in the hospital I work in. Eventually, I will have to suck it up and do it. Until then, I cope by obsessively cleaning my home. It gives me peace of mind and I love a clean house.... I keep replaying some of the last words memw said to me and my sister, they were her last words, and they crush me every time I hear them. one day it will all get easier.... One day I will wake up without the thought, "I need to go to memaw's" Until then,I justkeep telling myself to be still.

I miss you Memaw. So much.